Whenever this Pirate's ladyfriend goes in a bad mood, she cleans. Each angry-clean has its roots in some externally sourced misdemeanour (although it's hard to think of I time I myself precipitated such an event, being largely flawless and all) but the cause is instantly moot - what's important is that it starts a protracted period of barely concealable tense one-upmanship, where we both try to do a small but significantly greater amount of domestic chores than our temporary rival. If she 'wins', then I have to concede that I really don't do enough of anything at all. If I come out on top, then we make a cup of tea and watch the Eastenders omnibus.
Before it seems like I'm spamming relationship curios for personal therapy, I should explain that some subtler lessons lie within. Firstly, given that I find it near impossible to spot any urgent domestic tasks until they've become either a massive red flag or of unholy sentience, it's also near impossible for me to avoid each angry-clean; I simply have to spot the first signs of the kick off as soon as possible.
It's also important not to try too hard during the competition - whatever the reason for mobilising the Cif, the fact that there's a lot of previously ignored debris for it to be used on is reason enough for at least a little humble humility, and a 'win' in her favour almost every time. Grandstanding with the toaster polish while she's still dusting the aquarium would be taking the Michael, and would not go unnoticed.
So, if you ever meet the (god willing) future Mrs Pirate and you've left the plates under the couch again, read the signs, and act natural. Here endeth the lesson. But what oh what does any of this have to do with music videos? Weeell, it MIGHT have a bit to do with Chris Coldplay Martin's new single, "Violet Hill" and the videos that accompany it's release. Videos? Videos. In that, accompanying the official MV, there's a heelareeous 'Viral' that'll surely be viral-ing it's way into your 'comedy-forwards' folder any day now. Or not. More on that later, though.
The song itself is rather good, and, despite not being a massive Chrisplay fan, I found it effecting, while still being easy to listen to - no mean trick, really. It still sounds like a Coldplay record, but, for all the familiarity, the marching beat that plays as the track's main hook has a militaristic feel that marks a subtle change in direction, and underpins the theme of the haggard combatant driven forward in a war he never wanted to be part of, by human powers he can't relate to. I certainly found it hard to understand the lyrics sometimes (aha ha yes), what with Coldchris's penchant for mumbling through large parts of verse, but it still didn't diminish my enjoyment.
But to the meat, and the official video. It'd be easy to tag this one as bland, and bland in the way that so much of what Chris Coldplay and those other guys have blanded it up in the past. The costumes, while stylish with their ragged military-deserter chic, are bland; the grainy home video colour and tone is bland on a number of levels, and the whole exercise seems to be largely devoid of any point. Of course, music videos exist largely to convey a style and provide an image of the band presented, as opposed to 'begin, middle, and end' some kind of story, but, in this case, it just seems be almost explicitly pointless. Which is maybe the point. Is it? Possibly...
But it's probably the attempts to rescue the video from blandness and instill it with some sort of character that ultimately make it worth watching. For the most part, Chrisplay and the other Coldmartins dick about the place like a post-apocalyptic LARP group, who can only russle up a drum and an old piano for ordinance, much less find anyone else to LARP against. Music is surely their weapon. I'm dead already.
While the others are happily bland, the (I'm running out of juxtapositions for the main signer) really outdoes himself by improv acting a whole swathe of visual metaphors - he makes his mouth big with a magnifying glass, tries to break through your telly with an invisible hammer (reach me ChrisColdplayMartin! Reach me!), and even teleports a bit at the start (though he should really take a few tips from the Girls Aloud!, who've had celebrity teleportation sewn up for a while now), all the while dancing the Rubbish Patlabor in such a way that would make even the Timberlake swoon. Of course, the others do TRY - the bald one lifts a stone at one point - but not enough to shine quite as hard as the Coldest of Martins does.
All of which actually makes it an enjoyable, if ultimately forgettable, MV. More to the point though, it successfully dodges having to be explicit about who the song might be referring to, and that's fine - while still trying to carry an important idea, it doesn't really force anything on the viewer (beyond the lead singer and his bowing fits). Perhaps that's a shrewd move, what with the prolonged backlash against celebrity campaigners, who, for all their good intentions, often shout what we all know a little to loudly. Somebody should've told whoever made the rib-tickling 2nd 'viral', because, in reference to my (probably forgotten) domestic situation, and, like the perfect storm in the worst possible instance of that situation, it not only arrives far to late to the party, but tries far far FAR too hard for the winning post.
The viral alternative consists of lots of archive footage of politicians and military figures dancing in time to the music. Because they're all idiots, you see. It even goes so far as to trot out the old "Bush is a Monkey" chestnut. Which is fine, because he IS an idiot, but the joke is so, so old that it's embarrassing to see it being trotted out, especially as if it were part of some sort of fresh, counter-culture stab. In fact, this kind laziness is rife throughout the entire video. Take a good look at the politicians 'shamed' throughout.
Notice anything? Hardly any of them are really very current at all. Blair and Bush are either gone or going, Boris Yeltsin is dead. Obama and Clinton are pretty current, but where's John McCain? And if it's ok to parody future leaders, where are Cameron or Clegg, or our current PM? Probably affect record sales if you brought them in, mind. Boris Yeltsin?! Where's Vladamir Putin?! Saddam Hussien's dead, so he won't come after you, but any Middle Eastern leaders in there? What about leaders from the African continent who refused to do anything about Robert Mugabe postponing and presumably rigging the Zimbabwean election results? Doesn't merit a mention? Boris Yeltsin?!
I'm sure there's a basketful of explanations for why there are hardly any current politicians in the video, but the most honest would probably be that they just couldn't find any footage of any of them dancing. And politicians dancing? Oh So Chucklesome, surely, but it's all too easy to point and laugh when they do something wrong while enjoying that sense of comfy superiority, that "I wouldn't have done THAT", that typifies the public reaction to a fall from grace. Sure, some politicians are idiots, some are dangerous idiots and some are just dangerous, but a more difficult poser to virulate would've been to ask why anybody would want to take on the responsibility in the first place, and whether we, in their place, could really do as good a job as we think we can. Or we could just ignore that one altogether, eh readers?
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